Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
"They're still little. They won't remember us fighting."
"That happened a long time ago. They talk about it but I don't even remember it."
"Kids are resilient. They bounce back from divorce."
"How can something that happened when I was just born (a NICU hospitalization, for example) possibly be impacting me now?"
"A developing fetus can't possibly be affected by what's going on in the outside world."
I think you can see where this is going. As a therapist and as a human being, I have a point about which I feel passionate: We are surrounded by, and maybe have found ourselves feeding into, a belief system which desperately undervalues the impact of environment, from the womb onward, of a baby's neurosystem development and thus the emotional health of the child and yes, later, the adult.
https://mindinmind.org.uk/thought-pieces/covid-infant-development/
Highlights from the article (attached) include:
Almost all of the growth and development of a new person's brain take place between conception and the second birthday.
While the baby is in its mother's womb, she is his or her whole environment, controlled by the impact of her social, emotional, nutritional, and physical experiences.
A mother's feelings and emotions produce chemical changes in her bloodstream which may reach the fetus. The risk of harm to a fetus from negative affective maternal experience is not widely recognized, but there is now scientific evidence to support this.
Many stressors in pregnant women, potentially damaging to babies in the womb, have been identified. These include anxiety about being pregnant, spousal discord or abuse and traumatic life events, such as bereavements.
Nobody's life is stress-free, of course; but the least stressful pregnancy possible is clearly a mother's right and a father's duty because it is an obligation to their child.
Every baby needs at least one particular adult who is devoted to it. If he or she has no such person, receives minimal or inappropriate adult attention, or is born into home that is a place of strife, its brain structure and chemistry will immediately begin to adapt defensively. The child may become disproportionately upset by minor setbacks or, alternatively, "check out," or both.
We all know adults who have retained adaptive strategies which served them well in childhood, and are now presenting as problematic characteristics. Their origins are rarely understood outside a mental health consultation room.
There is SO much more research and evidence in the past 6 years since the article was written, but what is provided here is plenty. Please dive in. The restorative programs mentioned are in the UK. However, in the USA, we have resources as well:
https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/pages/what-is-the-circle-of-security
The emphasis in these cases is prevention.
When we "can't put the genie back in the bottle," whether looking at our own parenting or that of our parents, we come to therapy to develop the understanding, wisdom, compassion, and emotional skills to acknowledge and grieve what was needed and not provided. When we find ourselves ruminating over "what we/they should have done," we learn and practice the work which sets us free from this hamster wheel.
gettyimages.com
And so the emphasis shifts to repair. Repair is always possible when the desire is there.
We do what we can with the time we have left.
Be present. Be attuned. It's what was missing all along.
Colleen Turk, MS, LCPC practices at Living Well Therapy Services in Kalispell, Montana. To schedule a free consultation, contact us.